Admitting...

[thumsclerk]

Hi everyone here,

Hi, I'm Patti and I am a compulsive overeater. Why am I having such a hard time admitting that? On June 23, I will celebrate 7 years clean and sober. I know that addictive personalities have a way of just changing addictions. I went through that with shopping, and am still trying to clean up that mess (even though that may take longer than I would like). Why am I having to prove it over and over to myself that "One (bite) is too many and a thousand never enough"?

When I got clean and sober almost 7 years ago, I went to meetings at least 2x week, sometimes 3. I worked steps 1-3 in rehab, but I never got a sponsor or worked the rest of my steps. I stopped doing meetings about 4 years ago. I felt I just wasn't getting anything I needed from them and who could possibly need anything I had? I guess I thought I had found an easier, softer way. But I am finding now that I didn't.

My Higher Power, who is Jesus Christ my Savior, has a way of putting that certain important thing that I should be taking care of right in the front of my mind, and it keeps popping up until I take care of it. For a few months, 12 step meetings are some how the thing that has really been on my heart. I pray daily, I got to church and do a small group study on Wednesdays, but I think at this point I need God with skin on. I need to reach out to other people who are going through the same things I am.

One alcoholic (or fill in your addiction, drugs, food, etc.) can best help another alcoholic. I still remember the things I read in my Big Book. I went to my first OA meeting last Saturday and felt a sense of relief, like that is where I was meant to be. I even got out my Big Book when I got home, blew the dust off of it and reread Bill's Story. I have a disease. I cannot control my life or my food or anything I am trying to control.

So today and every day, I will be working steps 1, 2 and 3. I am powerless and my life (and food) is unmanagable. Only a Power, Jesus Christ, greater than myself, can restore my sanity and my life. I make a concious decision to turn my will and my life over to Him.

I will continue to go the OA meeting and as I feel a little more comfortable with this group, I will be looking for a sponsor this time. I want to recover, not just feel a little better.

Thanks for listening, sorry this was so long. I just needed to put this is writing and be accountable for my decisions.


Patti

[MaryMary]

thumsclerk

Looking forward to getting to know you.

[loves2sing]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Patti.

I appreciate the reminder about how important "God with skin on" is for our recovery.

I think food addiction is especially challenging because many of us began using food to try to help ourselves with emotional (and spiritual) problems when we were just little kids. So the behavior patterns go very deep.

Also, of course, we have to face our substance every day. We have the chance to take back our food three times (or more) every day.

From another perspective, that's a gift. We get the opportunity to re-affirm Step One three times every day.

Thanks for being here.
Cindy

[thumsclerk]

Thanks, everyone, for being here. I'll definitely be around.

[amadeus4313]

Patti, somehow I missed you post. I am so glad that you are here with us. I hope you post often.

MaryM

[loves2sing]

I wrote this a few days ago, as I was working on Step One.

I read pages 5 & 6 in the AA Big Book, and reflected on that part of Bill's story.

I ended up writing about food & anxiety:

I definitely can relate to Bill's stories of
having a firm resolve, thinking one has things
under control, and then, without premeditation,
finding one's self drinking/eating.

I have a hard time handling things when I feel
anxious... When I was a child, my father would
sometimes come home from work very tense and
wound-up. I could tell from his body language and
tone of voice that he was close to exploding in
anger.

Somehow it developed in our family that I was the
one who became the target of his anger. Never my
mother or my sister. An excuse would be found,
sometimes a very flimsy excuse, to "justify" a
spanking - and these spankings were actually
beatings. He was out-of-control with rage.

So when he came home and I could tell that he
would eventually explode, that I would eventually
be battered, it was very hard for me to wait,
very hard to be there with my family as if
nothing was wrong, when I knew something very bad
was going to happen soon.

I felt anxious, trapped, unable to prevent being
hurt and frightened.

For me now, as an adult, feeling anxious is often
challenging. I want to do something, anything, to
get rid of that feeling. I want to numb out, I
want the oblivion Bill found after two bottles of
gin.

I learned when I was quite young that I could get
that oblivion by eating lots and lots of food.

Sometimes I don't let myself feel my anxiety, I
don't realize it's there, just below my conscious
awareness. I just feel sort of antsy and
restless... That can take me into the food as
well. I think "I need something" and try to find
it in food, which is always available but is
never a real solution.

[thumsclerk]

Cindy, I am so sorry you had to go through that as a child.

Cindy

That's really rough. I think I was probably on the other end of the spectrum. I was the youngest of 7 (2 before me died) children and my mom was 40 yo when I was born. I think she was just done being a mom. I know now that she was hypothyroid (probably undertreated back in the early 60s), suffering from depression and she and my father were no more than just "friends" living together in the same house. My father worked very hard and was an alcoholic, so he was never home much. Food was something I turned to when I was lonely.

Just this week, after attending my first OA meeting, I have really started to look at how my feelings may have contributed to my weight. At first I didn't see any connection, but the more I really look at it, the more I see it. Feelings of loneliness, growing up rather poor and thinking there was never going to be as much as you wanted, trying to substitute food for a mother's love and caring...

I am really ready to dig into this thing. I am tired of being uncomfortable. I will be checking out the ladies at tomorrow's meeting to see who "has what I want". Also, I didn't realize there was writing involved in each step. Do you have a sponsor, Cindy? Or could anyone tell me what kind of writing you have done when working your steps?

Thanks, Cindy, and I know you are on your way to healing. I started to heal, but ended up just ripping the scabs off over and over. I want to heal once and for all. I can live with the scars better than the wounds.

Patti

[amadeus4313]

Patti and Cindy - thanks so much for sharing. I too am letting my past control my present. I shared on another thread here so I won't go over that again, but I am hoping that we all can help each other unhook our forks from our emotions, that we can help each other learn that the voids within ourselves cannot be filled with food (or with smoke - I quit 3 years ago).

I am so looking forward to sharing this journey with you. I may join a local OA group this summer. During the school year I have absolutely no free time.

Take care, all
MaryM

[thumsclerk]

MaryM,

I completely understand about not having enough time, especially during the school year. I am constantly playing taxi during school time, so I am looking forward to summer. I tend to walk more outside, and even drag my dh along! He doesn't protest too much.

If I gleen any profound wisdom from the meetings I attend, I will make sure I share them here!

Congrats on quitting smoking! I have also quit, but it will only be 7 weeks on Memorial Day. But I thank God for giving me the strength to do this. I couldn't do it alone! Thank you!

to all!

[loves2sing]

Originally posted by thumsclerk
Cindy, I am so sorry you had to go through that as a child.

Cindy

Patti

Thanks.

[loves2sing]

Originally posted by thumsclerk

... Food was something I turned to when I was lonely.

Just this week, after attending my first OA meeting, I have really started to look at how my feelings may have contributed to my weight. At first I didn't see any connection, but the more I really look at it, the more I see it. Feelings of loneliness, growing up rather poor and thinking there was never going to be as much as you wanted, trying to substitute food for a mother's love and caring...

I can really relate to this. I also turned to food to try and give myself something, a substitute for love, caring, safety, etc.

Food can't really substitute for anything. All it can do is make our tummies full.

When we try to find love with a fork and spoon, we'll stay hungry forever.

That's part of why I never felt satisfied, even when I was stuffed with "goodies."

Cindy

[loves2sing]

Originally posted by thumsclerk

I didn't realize there was writing involved in each step. Do you have a sponsor, Cindy? Or could anyone tell me what kind of writing you have done when working your steps? Patti

Yes, I have a sponsor.

I commit my food for each day to her the night before, via email. That way I don't make any decisions about food during the day, I just eat what I wrote down the night before. This really helps me, since part of my disease was obsessing about decisions involving food. I feel a great deal of freedom when the decisions for today are already made!

There are lots of ways to use writing as a tool for working the Steps:

OA has a workbook with questions for each Step.

My program, HOW-OA, has questions for each Step, for Maintenance, for recommitting after a relapse, etc. I answer one each day, and send my writing to my sponsor via email. I also chat with her for a few minutes on the phone each morning.

There are also lists of questions online, for working the Steps.

Writing is a great tool for me. It helps me clarify my thinking. Sometimes I get new insights and understandings as I'm writing. And sometimes my sponsor's responses give me a deeper or more thorough understanding (She shares her own experience, strength, and hope with me).