>Accountability< Week of May 24th to May 30th

[MaryMary]

Hope you don't mind that I started a new thread for the week.

I am still a compulsive overeater. I am still weighing out my portions before each meal. I am still writing my food down and calling it into my sponsor. I don't eat between meals except water, coffee, tea or diet soda. Abstinence is the most important thing for me to focus on today. After that everything else will follow. I have prayed a little (working on that one).

I made a list of tasks I would like to accomplish this week. Writing things down is helping because then I don't have to rely on my memory as to what I said I would do today when it's Friday. I can check things off and feel like I have made my contribution to myself and this family this week.

Hope you all have a good week.

[amadeus4313]

Mary, thanks so much for getting this started. First one in on Mondays, please go ahead and start. I had a funeral to play for today so I am late getting here.

For a variety of reasons I fell down hard yesterday. Emotional eating has always been my hardest challenge. I won't go into the reasons for yesterday's fall, but the whole time it was happening, I remember thinking, "eating is not going to fill the hole that you're trying to fill." It was one of those times when 1 bite was too much and a bucket full wasn't enough. I had a long talk with God about this. I am starting anew today. How wonderful that we get a fresh start every day.

Have a wonderful day, Mary, and all who come here.

the other Mary

[doodles]

Checking in quickly from work. Will BBL.

[loves2sing]

Mary, here's what I was thinking about over the weekend. Perhaps it will be useful to you.

When I was a kid, my parents were not able to give me the support and nurturance that kids need. My parents were both abusive, battering parents.

So - when I was a kid, I didn't feel safe turning to my parents when I was in need emotionally. I learned to do the only thing that was available to me, to turn to the food and try to comfort myself.

As an adult, my impulse is to do the same thing, to turn to food when I'm upset, or when I have any feelings that are challenging for me to deal with.

That behavior was helpful to me growing up, it helped me survive in my parents' home - but it created many problems for me when I continued it as an adult. Problems with food, with isolating, etc.

Now - in program - I'm learning the right places to turn when I need support, I'm learning to turn to God and to my program friends. It's still not my first impulse, but the more I practice this the easier it gets.

When I go to meetings regularly (I try to attend 3 each week), I have the chance to share what's happening inside me before things build up. That's useful, too.

I think you have a great attitude. Welcome to TODAY, the only day we need to be concerned with. May you have an abstinent day today.

[amadeus4313]

Thank you. It did help. Bob Greene (Oprah's trainer) said that most overeating is ultimately about not getting enough love. I know that yesterday, I was feeling unloved. But I'm not sure why it was that I felt that way. I am a church musician and our parish Deacon (also a long time friend-practically family) was celebrating his 25th anniversary of ordination. I am the liturgist so basically I planned the liturgical celebration. It went off wonderfully. I also made 200 cheesecakes for the party afterwards. The party went wonderfully. It was a beautiful celebration. People sought me out to tell me how great music was. So why, when I came home, did I start stuffing my face?

The family thing rings familiar. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, but that isn't my life now, so why am I still stuck in these old patterns?

I know that the eating and the overweight are symptoms of the real problem and that problem is that deep down I just do not feel loveable. I know - intellectually - that people love me, but the emptiness is still there. This is my battle. This is what I am struggling to overcome.

This is why I was so happy to see this forum started. Input like yours reminds me that I am not alone and knowing that helps so much.

thank you,

the other Mary

[loves2sing]

Mary, thanks for your honesty.

I think sometimes it's hard for us to accept love - even though we long for it. We're so used to not having it, and we even come to think that our not having it is somehow the way it should be.

Maybe yesterday challenged you just because there was such an abundance, so much warmth.

I know one of the challenges for me in my relationship with my Sweetheart is to believe that he loves me, to know it and hold on to it. I so quickly interpret things otherwise... It's what I'd gotten used to...

And it's also true that there's a certain emptiness in me that can only be filled by turning to God. No matter how much I get from other people.

Thanks for being here.
Cindy

[loves2sing]

Today is my 7th day of recommitted HOW abstinence. I am very grateful.

So far today I have eaten exactly what I committed to my sponsor last night.

In a few minutes, I'll go work out at Curves.

I went to a HOW meeting yesterday afternoon, and I was delighted to see people there from when I was in program before. I appreciated the warmth and the sharing, and the acceptance I feel from my friends, even after relapsing.

I don't understand why I ever left program. This is such a wonderful way to live, so much more freedom than when I'm in my disease.

I'm really glad to be back!

Thanks for being here,
Cindy

[amadeus4313]

Hi everyone,
Just checkin' in. On track so far for today. I came home yesterday to find DH vacuuming up water in our laundry room (also the usual entrance into our house). Luckily, because of previous problems with our washer overflowing, everything on the floor was in plastic container. It really smells, though. And the basement is full of water. More rain is predicted for the Memorial day weekend. We are farmers and what little we were able to plant before all of this rain will have to be re-planted. Gonna be a tight year for us. I stayed with my plan since right now, that is the only thing I can control.

I am thankful, though, to have a home and that most of it is dry.

[MaryMary]

Hi everyone,

Today is going good. I went to a meeting this morning, then did some grocery shopping. Bought some flowers to plant in the front yard. It feels good to put a little brightness in the yard.

IDENMW!

One Day at a time

[loves2sing]

Mary - wow, I wish you could send us some of that rain. We're in
danger of a drought again...

Today is my 8th day of recommitted HOW abstinence. I'm grateful to be here, instead of stuffed and miserable.

I had such a fun but busy weekend (My 10-year-old's drama class was putting on "Anything Goes!") that I'm way behind in housework... messy kitchen, laundry only partly done, etc.

Last night I went to my singing group, then did my Step writing. Good things to do, but I didn't make any progress on the backlog.

So - we have a staff meeting this afternoon, then I'll pick up my daughter and go grocery shopping. Healthy, abstinent food... At six, she'll have a dance class and I'll go work out at Curves. After dinner: marathon kitchen cleaning.

Hope you don't mind the boring details.

My food is on track so far today.

Thanks for being here,
Cindy

[amadeus4313]

Originally posted by loves2sing
Mary - wow, I wish you could send us some of that rain. We're in
danger of a drought again...


Hope you don't mind the boring details.

Cindy

Cindy
I sure wish I could send you some - or even horde some for us when the dry summer hits.

I love details. I love taking peeks into other people's lives.

Hi Mary, your yard sounds pretty. What does the IDENMW!
mean? I'm dense today.



the other Mary

[MaryMary]

IDENMW = I don't eat no matter what!

That's my mantra!

[loves2sing]

Got on the scale this morning... My weight was up 0.5 pounds... I can see I'm retaining water, my hands look a little puffy...

I'm not doing this just for weight loss, I want sanity and freedom - and also I *do* want the weight loss.

I'm 50 years old now, and my body seems to want to hold on to weight much more than when I was younger. I'm in menopause, and I guess this must be related to those hormonal changes. Not fun.

I think this is something that belongs in God's Hands. It's challenging for me to turn it over.

Sigh.

I'm willing to ask God to help me with this.

Can anyone tell me, when I look at the list of topics, what do the little grey cameras stand for? And why does one of them have lines coming off the top of it? Just curious... Thanks.

Blessings for a peaceful, abstinent day.
Cindy

[doodles]

Good morning Cindy and all who follow.
The gray camera is really an envelope that means you've posted on that thread. If the flap is open it means there have been new replies! I'll be 50 in November so I know where you're coming from about not losing quickly!
I'm still struggling to define abstinence for me and find a food plan.
I had a doctor and hair appt after work yesterday so didn't get a chance to post. I'll catch up with everyone else this evening. Have a great day!

[thumsclerk]

Good morning everyone,

This forum could not have been started at a better time. I know my HP did this just for me! This is so I would get my rear in gear and open up my eyes to what the problem is. The problem is me and my sick mind!!

I have proven to myself now twice that I am a compulsive overeater. I just thought that once I ate something that I wanted but shouldn't have eaten, I was telling myself that I might as well have everything else I haven't been able to eat, too, and just get back on track tomorrow. I don't want to spend the rest of my life bingeing one day and starving myself the next. So I am defining my trigger foods to myself and am learning what I must avoid. All sweets, except the fruits I am allowed on my plan (Lean for Life). All breads and cereals, except the ones I am allowed with my breakfast. And I can't have any nuts!! Once I start eating them, I can't stop. (Duh, I guess that's why it's called a trigger food.)

I am continuing to learn more about OA. I am familiar with AA and NA and, of course, most of the priciples are the same. But there are just some specifics I must know more about. What is HOW?

Thanks, everyone for being here. I am not too proud or too insane to admit I need all the help I can get--from my HP and all the people that my HP put around me!

"I offer myself to Thee", daily...

[loves2sing]

I'm having hot flashes this morning... I guess my hormones are out-of-whack.

I used to take black cohosh (Remifemin) for this. I think I might start doing that again. I've had some mood swings lately, too.

Fun, fun!

Thanks for being here.

Cindy

[MaryMary]

thumsclerk - I saw love2sing say earlier that HOW = Honest Openminded and Willing.

[loves2sing]

thumsclerk, HOW is one type of OA here in Northern California. If you'd like more info, see my post about HOW in the Grateful thread.


Is there any way to include a link to another thread within a post?

[loves2sing]

Originally posted by doodles
The gray camera is really an envelope that means you've posted on that thread. If the flap is open it means there have been new replies!

Thanks, doodles.

What if the flap is closed, but there are some short lines radiating out from the top of the envelope?

Just curious...

[amadeus4313]

Originally posted by loves2sing

What if the flap is closed, but there are some short lines radiating out from the top of the envelope?

Just curious...

It took me a long time to figure that one out. When I described it, no one knew what I was talking about. That's a thread that has been locked. If you look closely, you'll see a little padlock on it. It means no one can post to it.

[loves2sing]

Originally posted by amadeus4313
It took me a long time to figure that one out. When I described it, no one knew what I was talking about. That's a thread that has been locked. If you look closely, you'll see a little padlock on it. It means no one can post to it.

Mary, thanks for answering, but that's not the symbol I'm asking about. There's no padlock. I can see what the padlock looks like at the bottom of my screen, where some of the symbols are defined.

The strange one is a closed grey envelope, and above it are 4 small lines radiating out... I checked that thread, and it is possible to post to it.

Not a big deal... I was just curious.

[loves2sing]

Tonight I'm finishing my 9th day of recommitted abstinence.

I'm grateful for the support I'm receiving, including here.

This afternoon I went to a meeting at the County Office of Education. I ate my abstinent lunch before I went... There was a lot of food, and especially a lot of desserts. I didn't eat anything - and I didn't miss it. My body was happy and satisfied with my abstinent lunch, and I just relaxed and got into the various activities during the meeting.

In the past I would go to the food table over and over and over, eating many servings of everything, and maybe even take some more home with me. Lots and lots of unhealthy food...

Earlier tonight, I went to the end-of-the-year party for my folk guitar class. We played and sang together for a couple of hours. It was great fun.

There was a lot of food, but no abstinent choices. I had a diet soda and didn't eat... I didn't even miss eating, I was having so much fun... Then I came home and ate my abstinent meal.

I'm so glad to be back in program and abstinent. I feel so much healthier than when I had blood sugar highs and lows, times of feeling stuffed and over-stuffed, etc. Eating just the right amount of healthy food is so much better!

Goodnight to all,
Cindy

[amadeus4313]

Originally posted by loves2sing
Mary, thanks for answering, but that's not the symbol I'm asking about. There's no padlock. I can see what the padlock looks like at the bottom of my screen, where some of the symbols are defined.

The strange one is a closed grey envelope, and above it are 4 small lines radiating out... I checked that thread, and it is possible to post to it.

Not a big deal... I was just curious.

If you find out, please post it here. I am really curious too.

Hi everyone, just checking in because my life has been a total zoo the last couple of weeks. It should slow down soon with the end of school and then I can participate here more.

In the meantime, just knowing this forum exists is a real blessing.

the other Mary

[MaryMary]

Hi everone,

Today, I went to see the doctor for a 2 month followup from the migraine headaches I was having and the MRI she did. Told her I was tracking them and had given up coffee, caffein & aspartame as well as grains. Since the last visit, I have only had two migraines of average intensity, one from a stiff neck and the other from the heat. I have to make sure I drink my water. She wants me to start taking a coated aspirin (325 mg) a day with a meal to reduce the likelihood of any mini strokes. I told her I was afraid of intestinal upset and she said to try it and if it bothered me, to stop. She said the MRI showed something in the white matter in the brain, but it could be from the migraines, from a mini undetectable stroke, or from MS. So I am taking the aspirin and avoiding the trigger foods and take it one day at a time. IDENMW!

Then I went to my 12 step meeting. Small group of ladies with lots of strength to share.

Have a good day.

[amadeus4313]

Oh, Mary, I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I'm so sorry that you've been experiencing the headaches and I know you must be nervous about the MRI findings. I so admire your ability to stay on track.
{{{{{{{{{{MaryMary}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mary(Amadeus)

[loves2sing]

MaryMary, I'll keep you in my prayers, too.

Take good care of yourself.

Cindy