~Accountablility - Thursday - 5/20/04~

[amadeus4313]

Hi everyone,
I hope no one minds me starting a thread like this every day. It helps to keep me focused.

Just for today:

I will ask God for guidance
I will make a food plan
I will stick to my plan
I will not eat in between meals.
I will drink my water
I will check in tonight
I will disconnect my emotions from my fork (and from thoughts of eating)

Mary

[doodles]

I personally thank you for starting these daily. Am quickly checking in from work and so far am on track for today.

[loves2sing]

Please continue these daily threads. They're great.

Tonight I'm completing my third day of recommitted HOW abstinence. I'm very grateful to be back in program and to be abstinent.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting for the first time tonight. The man I'm in love with has an ongoing problem with alcohol. I can't solve that for him - but I can work on myself, on my own recovery. That feels good and it feels important for me... It's so easy to get all caught up in him and his issues, I can get lost...

Lots of my compulsive eating during the last 18 months has been triggered by stuff in this relationship. I need to remember how important my own recovery is - I want to make a commitment to myself and my own freedom from obsession/compulsion.

Thanks for being here.

[amadeus4313]

Hi Loves2sing and Doodles,
I think probably I will start this thread on Mondays and then we can post to it through the week.

I did pretty well yesterday. I forgot to check in last night because I was busy making 120 mini cheesecakes for a party on Sunday. (These are not a temptation for me.) I added some food at supper because I felt like I was starving. This is only day 3 for me with the limiting my eating to 3 meals so I am still finding what works for me. I was used to eating every 2 to 3 hours because that's what the "experts" say works best. That doesn't work for me. It's too many food "encounters" throughout the day. The hard part for me with compulsive eating is the ending of the meal - the stopping. I have planned my meals to be 4 hours apart - generally 9:00,1:00,5:00 and then I have a cup of carb countdown chocolate milk before bed. This keeps me from rationalizing. If it's not one of my mealtimes, I don't eat it.

Just for today:

I will ask God for guidance
I will make a food plan
I will stick to my plan
I will not eat in between meals.
I will drink my water
I will check in tonight
I will disconnect my emotions from my fork (and from thoughts of eating)

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

Mary

[amadeus4313]

Maybe this would be a good place to tell a little about ourselves. I'm getting ready to go to work, but I will try and check in later.

Loves2sing - are you a singer? I am too.

Doodles, how are you doing today?

Mary

[loves2sing]

Today is the 4th day of my recommitted HOW abstinence. So far I have eaten exactly what I committed to my sponsor last night.

Tonight I'll be eating at a restaurant for the first time since coming back into program. My 10-year-old has two rehearsals with a dinner break in between, one for her dance class and one for her drama class... We're meeting my son (he's 23) at a restaurant, he's here visiting from LA... I will make abstinent choices, as I committed to my sponsor.

I feel just GREAT about being abstinent again. It feels like coming home.

Mary - I work as a teacher, in the county Juvenile Hall. I sing for the joy of it, with a women's singing group, with friends, and I even started learning the guitar so I can accompany myself. Are you a professional singer?

Wishing all a peaceful and abstinent weekend.

[doodles]

Lovestosing, tell me a little bit about the HOW program. I've heard of it, but don't know what it is. Congratulations on four days.
Mary, I'm doing pretty well. Have been to two OA meetings, but don't have a sponsor yet and am trying to figure out exactly what eating plan I need to be on. I need to make a plan, though. Flying by the seat of my pants is what gets me into trouble. I like the idea of a weekly thread and will be back later to tell you all more than you'd like to know about me!
Have a great evening.

[loves2sing]

HOW stands for honest, open-minded, and willing.

Here in Northern California, there are at least 3 "flavors" of 12-Step programs for compulsive overeaters/anorexics.

OA does not specify a food plan. Each member finds her own definition of abstinence.

HOW-OA has a food plan which is reported to be similar to Grey Sheet (the old OA food plan). Abstinence is defined as following this food plan, or a plan given by a physician.

FA ("Food Addicts") asks members to commit to a food plan that was developed by a nutritionist, which is more limited than the HOW plan. They also require other commitments, and have a different approach to working the steps.

My own experience:

OA didn't work for me. I never "found" my abstinence. I don't do well being on my own with food decisions.

I went to one FA meeting, didn't feel that program was for me. That meeting seemed to be all about weight loss... I missed the spiritual emphasis I had found in HOW. (Other people may have had different experiences, of course.)

I blossom following the HOW program. The food plan works well for me, I enjoy doing daily writing, and I benefit from the meetings and from working with a sponsor... There's plenty of good food, healthy food. My cravings don't get triggered when I don't eat sugar, white flour, etc... Three meals a day with LIFE in between!

I'm so glad to be back!

[MaryMary]

Hi everyone,

Well I am MaryMary. I grew up with an affinity toward food, after I had my tonsils out at age 7. I was a chubby kid, a chubby teen (or so I thought), and dieted my way up to 376 lbs. three years ago. I attended many different weight loss programs and tried many different diets and fasts. I discovered OA 25 years ago from a TV commercial, but treated it as a 'diet' (Basic Four from the Dignity of Choice) for a year. Did it my way without a sponsor and so it was no surprise to lose the 30 lbs and then over time gain it back and then some. I made it to step 3 and then took my will back. Went on more diets for the next 10 years until I went back to OA. This time I got a sponsor and followed her food plan (greysheet) and made it to step 4. One day she decided to go back out eating and I was responsible for finding a new sponsor. I tried but didn't understand that IDENMW. After 4 years, I picked up a round greasy thing. I decided never to diet again. I looked into weight loss surgery 3-1/2 years ago and was told in order to be considered I would have to lose 15 lbs. I thought "Well, hell, if I could lose 15 lbs, I wouldn't need the surgery." A friend at work introduced me to Atkins. I figured that anything was better than nothing and since there was no sugar and flour, and I could eat whenever I wanted, I should be okay. So I started another diet. Somewhere along the way, my lifestyle started to change. I started to exercise 15 months in because of another stall. Everytime I stalled, I would try something different. Last fall, I realized that I was eating compulsively as a result of adding a low carb bread product back into my food plan. This was a bridge/trigger food that eventually led me back to the brown sweet stuff. Within six weeks, I gained back 5 lbs. I was determined I wasn't going to go down that road again, so I contacted GSA and found a sponsor before I even went to a meeting. We don't have HOW meetings in our area, but many of the OA meetings sound similar. So I go to a couple of OA meetings a week, listen in on a couple of GSA phone meetings and attend one AA Big Book Step Study. It sounds like a lot, but I am not working right now. I have found that I naturally want to do things my way and will struggle with self-reliance until I am so frustrated that I end up praying and turning over the problem to my Higher Power. I feel a sort of release when I do this that I can't explain. I wish I didn't struggle with it so much. But today, one day at a time, I write my food down on paper, call it into my sponsor and I don't eat between meals. I drink water as my fluid of choice. This is working for me today. I am learning how to put boundaries around my food and eventually my life. There are three areas of my life that I have recently turned over after the food - my house (it's a disaster), my job situation (it's hopeless) and my relationship with DH. I have discovered through all this that a miracle is not just a one time event, but an ongoing journey. I have started to see miracles in my everyday life. Every day that I don't pick up the food in a compulsive manner is a miracle. HP put a young fellow in my life who is a carpenter after I turned it over. I am realizing I am not the center of the universe. I can only live one day at a time otherwise it is just too overwhelming. Looking forward to getting to know you all. Have a great day.

[amadeus4313]

Good evening everyone,
I have been a compulsive eater ever since I can remember. I have always used food, chocolate in particular, to heal emotional wounds. Because I was a very active - even hyper - kid, I was never really heavy.

My mother died when I was 12 from what we now know was Lupus. I began to put on weight and from then on, it was a struggle. I have no idea what I would look like if I didn't eat compulsively. I could eat more than you would ever imagine.
My dad remarried 9 months after my mother died. Life was not happy and food remained my constant friend. It was always there for me in a way that people weren't. Shortly after high school I began smoking. Cigarettes gave me the same emotional high without the added weight. I was fairly thin until a few years ago when I quit smoking. I actually only went to support my husband, but the joke was on me because I never started up again. I am a singer. I knew I was going to have to quit.
(continued)

[amadeus4313]

In 2000, my daughter was diagnosed with Lupus - the same disease that killed my mother at 32. This was 9 months before I quit smoking. I went up to 2 packs a day. I can remember the day Melisa came home to tell us what her treatment options were and that she would probably not be able to have kids. I cried, and smoked, and ate, and yelled at God - a lot!!!!

In November I quit smoking and the weight began to pile on - mostly because I was now using food to do what cigarettes had been doing - numbing my mind and keeping me from thinking.
Melisa was on Prednizone and cytoxan. The prednisone caused a 50 pound weight gain on a girl who had always been thin. She worked in a local grocery store in high school and when I would stop in, I often didn't recognize her because of the bloating. I would hurry to the back of the store and cry.

After about a year, her doctor started weaning her off of the meds and she began to look like herself again. At Christmas of 2001, she got engaged to the same young man who had been her boyfriend for 2 years and who stuck by her like a rock through all of the crap that Prednisone put her through. They have been married for 2 years, live on the next farm over, and just informed us that Melisa is pregnant. I probably seemed like I was underreacting to the news, but after they left, I cried.
Hers is a high-risk pregnancy, but the doctors are optimistic. Last Monday I decided that I had had enough of food running my life, of food being my best friend. I have turned it all over to God. All of it. The worry about each of my four kids, my addiction to food, my concerns about aging, the stress of working two jobs, concerns over Melisa's health and the health of her baby. It's all in God's lap. Such a freedom I have never known. Sometimes there is a "click" and things fall into place. This forum appeared at just the time I needed it. I have been free of the clutches of food for 5 days now.

Thank you all for being there,
Mary(Amadeus)

[loves2sing]

Mary and MaryMary, thanks for sharing your stories. I appreciate the courage each of you has shown, and your honesty.

Tonight I am finishing my 4th day of recommitted abstinence. It feels wonderful.

It's late. I'll share my story soon...

Goodnight, and blessings for a happy abstinent day tomorrow,
Cindy

[amadeus4313]

I got very, very hungry last night. I don't know why. I mean I felt like I was starving. This wasn't boredom or emotional eating. I was just hungry. I ate an extra serving of yogurt and a lowcarb bagel. I waited and I was still starving. I then ate 1/2 cup of no sugar added ice cream. I didn't beat myself up about it. I'm thinking that I was starving because I had to eat my 5:00 pm meal on the run from work to a rehearsal and it wasn't enough. Next time I will plan better and I will take my food with me to work and eat it a little early rather than snarf it on the way. I didn't quite meet my goals, but I still think I did well. My usual pattern is to use this as an excuse to binge and start over the next day. I didn't do that and that is great progress for me. The scale went down again this morning. That's a loss every day since Monday. I know this isn't about weight loss - at least not for me - but it's nice to see the scale going down. I have to play at a wedding today plus get ready for a friend's 25th Anniversary of Ordination so it's going to be a busy day. I am packing my lunch and I will triumph today.

Just for today I will:

I will ask God for guidance
I will make a food plan
I will stick to my plan
I will not eat in between meals.
I will drink my water
I will check in tonight
I will disconnect my emotions from my fork (and from thoughts of eating)

Have a wonderful day all.

Mary

[loves2sing]

This morning I am beginning my 6th day of recommitted HOW abstinence. I am so grateful for the gifts of abstinence!

Thank You, God, for reminding me that I have *never* had sanity around food and body size - except when I've been HOW abstinent. And Thank You, God, for helping me find a sponsor right away. I can't do this by myself.

I went to a wonderful HOW meeting yesterday, and I'm planning to go to another one this afternoon. I'm grateful for the fellowship...

If you look in the Big Book, on pretty much any page where they talk about recovery, they always say "we." We need each other to recover. Trying to do it all alone has always gotten me in trouble - my mind somehow convinces me to take that first compulsive bite, and in a flash I'm back in my disease.

Thanks for being here.

Blessings to all!
Cindy

[MaryMary]

I started a new thread. Is that okay?

[amadeus4313]

You betcha it's okay.