Bulimia/Anorexia

[1BellaDonna]

As a person who's been battling bulimia and occasional anorexic tendencies for 12 years, i decided to start this woe to help me lose weight and to control my addiction to sugar (my biggest spark for a binge-purge session/s). while this woe has helped me with SOME of the physical demons that spark my eating disorder, the psychological ones continue. i was wondering if there are others like me out there who are battling too and how this woe is helping you/affecting you.

perhaps we can help each other out by providing suggestions for some of the things that are most difficult to deal with, give a comforting word or two, and/or share information. i would love to be in touch w/ other locarbers who know this horrible disorder first-hand and can share without telling me that what i'm doing is 'so unhealthy' and 'stupid'. we individuals with eating disorders are well aware how bad bulimia and anorexia for us and know it's more than an 'extreme diet' technique, but an illness that haunts us constantly. remember, drug addicts can stay away from drugs; alcoholics can stay away from food, but bulimics/anorexics have to deal with food daily.

anyone want to share and help each other out?

[MaryMary]

I just want to say welcome to this forum. Hopefully others will join in.

I remember in my younger days of trying the vomiting routine, but couldn't engage, so I realized this wasn't the cureall for me. But I have been on my share of fasts in my lifetime. Yet in it all, for the most part, I suffered from compulsive overeating. Never go skinny that lasted for more than a week or two.

However, I have met many bulimics/anorexics at my 12 step meetings. There are many who have found recovery either through GreySheeter's Anonymous or Overeaters Anonymous.

I find I need the structure of writing it down, calling it into a sponsor, having 3 meals a day, and the 12 steps. Then I don't need to think about food the rest of the day.

[CKjinx'd]

been dealing with bulimia since I was 13. There were times I was soooo good about not letting it get to me...but other times when I lose control of my food and it becomes an issue again. I hate it when ppl attack other ppl about this subject...you're right...we KNOW it is unhealthy...and if there was a pill or a miracle cure for it we would have taken by now..hehe..it's all about the work that goes into abstaining from bulimic episodes..it's alot of work!
about the attacking part..this is the first time in years I've owned up to it to anybody except my shrink. Most ppl don't know that about me or even guess and I find that it's easier to keep quiet, not so I can go on with bulimia but because the "help" and "suggestions" of ppl who don't suffer from it frustrate me and irk me off and it gets to be counter productive.

[1BellaDonna]

hi, marymary!

thank you for the nice welcome. i, too, hope that others will join this forum. it's always nice to know others who have been in/are in your shoes to help deal with difficult situations.

as for your attempt at the puking thing, i'm glad it never took! believe it or not, my bulimia didn't start out as a way to lose weight but to 'clean out' my system just before i was starting one of my many diets. unfortunately, the laxative and "all natural" colon cleansers turned into abuse, bc i'd never last more than a few days on my super-restrictive diets and then would 'need' to cleanse my system in order to prepare for yet another round of dieting. anyway, the laxative use started to become extremely painful and lucky me graduated to vomiting...something i had NEVER even considered before. now, 12 years later, here i am...still doing it. i couldn't tell from your post if you thought that bulimia is a weightloss 'cureall' or what. it's not. in fact, i wish it were that simple. there's a lot more that goes into it and the characteristics of the person who generally is bulimic (e.g., type-a personality, perfectionist, stuffs down feelings, overachiever, ocd, bdd). nonetheless, i thank you very much for your reply. it was nice of you to take the time to write. i will check out the greysheeters website that you have posted. i have never heard of it. perhaps it's something that can help me out.

thanks again for your reply. i wish you continued success and happiness!!!

hugs,
letty

[1BellaDonna]

welcome ckbaker911!!

i so hear you about battling the bulimic episodes as being work. you hit the nail on the head about that one!

unlike you, i'm pretty open about my bulimia. i stopped hiding it from most people about 7 or so years ago. however, my admitting to having a problem isn't helping me (you know how people say the first step is to admit a problem??? lol). well, i think when i talk about it i kind of do it from afar. it's hard to explain but it's like i'm talking about another part of me. anyway, i hope that your being open about your e.d. will help you at least find some additional support. Gosh knows we need it!!! it's annoying as hell being fixated on something like this, isn't it?

anyway, if you ever need to chat, please let me know. i'm only a pm away!!

a big hug for you,
letty

p.s.- just so you know, i have msn, yahoo, and aol messengers.

[CKjinx'd]

kewl I once tried to be upfront about it...when I was 15..and my mom just ignored it...heheheh. I guess she figured that's why I have a shrink But, hey! great! we can give each other support and you're right...being fixated on this stuff is just infuriating and annoying! I only have an episode now maybe every couple of months that last for a few days and geez, that's pretty good for me! sometimes I can even go four months or so! I also have msn messanger and yahoo...same handle!
*BIG HUGS*

[CKjinx'd]

also! the thing about putting it out there but not owning it...I used to do that too with everything....i even gave her a name! It's sooo all of that couldn't really touch me, ya know?

[1BellaDonna]

wow! i think you did it again! you're right about putting it out there but not letting it touch me. i guess it's like when i talk about it i am not really connecting the problem to myself fully! hmmm. i'm going to have to think about that some more. thanks for your insight!

as for the frequency, i'm glad that you've been able to do so well! i think the longest i ever went was 2 wks. at this point, i've been doing it daily for the past 5+months...weekends being the worse bc it's an all day affair usually. i'm so sick of doing it but at the same time i know that it's essentially my only coping technique (bad, i know!!). siiiiiigh. this is such a pain in the culo!

well, to you and anyone else who is suffering too!

-letty

[CKjinx'd]

yeah, when it's happening every day or nearly every day, it's scary. been there When I would get more control of my life, it would subside a bit. I have been fairly lucky not to have it happen to me all that often any more...but it's still there and it's hard work to keep it on the back burner.
hmmm...I have found in the past attempts at atkins that if i cheat, it sets me off. I have been trying sooooo hard to stay clean! I have been on plan for 11 days now. I usually get to 14 days done and then the trouble starts in and I think I can start having all those things I can't. *sigh* It's a never ending battle, I tell you..heheh. But, we can get through this!

[Jenn78]

Hi all, Wow is this a sigh of relief....Just knowing I am not alone in my feelings...


I Began the routine at age 16, I am now 26. It is not a cureall, nor is it something that ends by admitting it. For me as well, it is always is there, I have wonderfull intervals of controlling it (lowfat diets low carbs works VERY well) I have never lost signifigant weight off of it, but I have maintained a healthy weight doing it (not that there is anything healthy about throwing a finger down your throat)....and I get majorly depressed almost knowing there isn't an end.

Whew...That was alot off of my chest. Really, the low fat and low carb, works well, in fact really good. I don't go really low on carbs, I just stay as far away from bread baskets, pasta, heavy sauces, mexican food and muffins/doughnuts as possiable. Anything heavy like that is sure to come back out.

It is scarey. I am scared. I am not overweight by alot, but I am chained to a diet that is darn boring. ., better boring I guess. Thanks for starting this thread. It is good not being alone.

Jen

PS....I can so relate to not wanting to find support with others that don't understand the difficuties and trials, instead of just hearing "that is stubid" Or "why do you do that?" or the biggest on,"That is just gross", it is nice to hear your sides and things that have helped, and maybe to send along a pointer or two I have learned to help controll it over the years as well!!! So thanks Guys!.........Oh and sorry about my spelling...ugh!!!

[1BellaDonna]

Welcome, Jenn78!!!

i'm so glad that you found us and that you feel this could be a good resource for you. we both know that this is going to be an ongoing battle but it definitely is more 'doable' (is that a word in webster's yet??? ) when you have people to support you. plus, having people who know EXACTLY what it's like to feel literally driven to purge, even when they don't 'want' to or are in pain from doing it already, is helpful. of course we welcome understanding from others but i guess empathy is different than sympathy....and believe me, sometimes i'm so angry at myself for not having control that i don't want sympathy or empathy. anyway, i don't know if this is really making sense since i'm tired, hungry, and back on my "let's see if i can do locarb-semi-starvation" mode so i'll shut up now. siiiiiiiiiigh.

just know that you are very welcome here! i look forward to getting to know you better.

-letty

p.s.- pm me if you'd like to pass along an email address or messenger screenname for chatting. i'm probably on a different time zone but i do get to chat with my stateside friends/family more regularly than one would expect.

[CKjinx'd]

HI JEN! welcome to our little corner. Yup..this stuff is difficult and it helps sooo much to have support from ppl who have the same problem. I find that low carb helps me out alot...except when I get around that 2 week end of induction and I get c*cky. I have trouble with treats...had a binge episode with carb smart ice cream bars the other day... It was sooo frustrating and really got me down. I refuse to have them in my house now...that's a promise. *sigh* On a good note, I have't had an episode since then, so it was isolated..thank GAWD! Everyone have a good one!

[Jenn78]

Hi there!!

It is nice to meet people who just understand, my biggest down fall isn't sweets, but it is fatty food, and heavy carbs...so I stay light on both...as I said BORING!!!!

Yesterday, I had a burger with out the bun and that just didn't settle, so I have to be soooooo careful.

Sometimes, I just stare in the mirror and try to will this all away....I have a family, and I am so afraid of losing it, so I work hard at trying to keep things down.

I bounce all over the scale from 105 to 145 at times..It blowes me away, how fast I can gain and lose...Funny part is, when I lose weight is when I am controlling the bulimia...Sigh....oh well..

I too, try to keep all food triggers out of my house, but then a food that I never thought I would have a problem with will become one...it has alot to do with the phyc control. For me it isn't about losing weight anymore, it is my state of mind. When things feel out of control in life, thats when the binging and purging gets at its worst...I feel like it is a beast connected to me somehow.



Well better get back to work...Take care and it is so nice to be connected hey? Jen

[CKjinx'd]

yup...I can go a couple of months...once all the way to four months without these things happening and then bam...*sigh* I try very hard to always stay on top of my therapy and try really hard not to get tooo c*cky or let down my guard tooo much because then it happens. Mine tends to happen more when I binge eat...when I get out of control and I feel too full. I can keep most everything else down.
yup..it's nice to stay connected!
Bella! where are you? doing okay??

[1BellaDonna]

hey, ckbaker911! i'm still around! sorry i've been m.i.a. for the past few days. i had been prepping for a party today here on my veranda. (didn't you get my offline?)

i wish i could make it thru a week without doing the purging. i made it through about 2 days and that was it. siiiiigh. i know what you mean about feeling full! i've been on this cycle for months now so ANY time i eat i feel like i've eaten too much and feel the NEED to purge bc i feel sooooooooo full, even if it was a normal sized portion or even a very small portion. i, of course, feel the urge whenever i eat a lot. sometimes i wonder if this war can be won!

i barely ate anything today (was busy prepping and hostessing my party) and i felt so proud of myself. it's so stupid! i know i shouldn't feel like it's an achievement to starve myself but i do. of course, my getting on the scale reinforces the behaviour bc i saw that i was back to my all time low (that i managed to surpass by 2-4 lbs the past month). now i feel like i shouldn't eat so that i can lose more. ugggggggggggggggh!!

[Jenn78]

I can so relate to that feeling....Anytime lately I have eaten anything that makes me feel remotely full, it actually makes me sick ....I think the war in our heads will never cease fire...

I don't know if any of you get this, but sometimes it is a conscious decision during a meal, to know I am going to purge....I then will purposely eat all I can and more..then purge the meal and go to bed hungry....(or do it again)....I hope that makes sense, I have never tried to explain that before....ANYways, Lately what I have been trying to do is at the beginning of the meal, I make a conscious decision to not purge, and then I look at the meal and decide what I can realistically put in my mouth in order for the meal to stay down...I push the rest of the food off my plate and that is it...It has worked a half a dozen times or more for me so far So I thought I would pass it along.....Now reading it it just seems soooo simple...But it does not feel that way at the time..... sighhhhh.........

Does anyone else have little tricks they use..??

CKBAKER911, I too went to therapy, it helped me understand my feelings and thought process about the beast, I even saw a shrink too, but neither thought it was too big of a deal...I guess maybe that’s why I justified it for soooo long....beyond that, my husband will ask in a middle of a meal, "is that going to stay down?" and if I think not he sometimes will give me a back rub or get me up and moving afterwards...I can't say that it works well for me, but it works sometimes, and that is all that matters.....My weight is actually up right now..by 20 lbs...(at least they were alot of fun lbs) To many parties and wine and beer...lol

Take care guys...and (((((((big hugs)))))
Jen

[CKjinx'd]

Yeah...guilty of the deciding to eat whole bunch and then get rid of it. *sigh* It sucks! I have now "considered" it to be cheating..hahaha
I have been doing pretty well for the last few days. My appetite is down and I have been eating okay and it has been staying down. If I can make it through this next two weeks, it will look hopeful.
I always wish, too that this will be the "last time" when I have an episode...I often wonder why, if I don't do it everyday, why can't it just let me go now??

[MaryMary]

I know bulimia, once thoroughly entrenched, is a bear to go into remission.

Compulsive eating for me is a bear to change when I am in the midst of it. What has helped me is writing my daily food plan down ahead of time (what I am going to have tomorrow), calling it into my 12 step sponsor, and weighing out that plan 3 times a day before I eat it. If I don't weigh it out, I don't know if I have taken enough or if I have taken too much. I don't eat between meals no matter what happens in my life. The food plan my sponsor in GSA gave me is similar to the HOW program and there are many bulimics who have found a recovery program where they can go into remission one day at a time. The structure of the food plan teaches me how to put structure around other things in my life. I know when I overeat, it is not about the food, but about stuff in my life I am avoiding or afraid of or resentful of and writing about this has helped.

[CKjinx'd]

hey y'all! having a stressful time over here things are in uproar on my reservation..augh! they removed the tribal chairman. He is the one that I voted for and I stand behind him on everything. THere are no checks and balances in tribal govt...the tribal board is all power. *sigh* They are crooked! Most of them are embezzling and we're in alot of trouble in our programs. There has been alot of internal strife. I hate to go to work now. Our tribal police are barring the chairman from his office. I'm afraid to show too much support for him at the work place in fear of retribution. my supervisor is a MAJOR non supporter and is in the mix with that mess. I want to eat! I want to eat and eat and eat! It's just stressing me out...and this weekend I have to travel 3 hours for a memorial for my adopted cousin who died last year in the line of duty...he was a law enforcement officer and he was gunned down. That was the saddest most awful funeral I've ever been through. I WANT TO EAT!! and it's hard because I am losing some control today. I couldn't keep my dinner down and I had a binge. *sigh* I am going to go to bed now and not eat anything else...tomorrow is a new day...please, God, Let it release me now??

[Jenn78]

ckbaker911,

Oh Dear!! I sent a prayer out for you. You really are getting hit all at one time..I can see how this situation can be a major trigger for you.

I am really sorry about your cousin, that is tragic. I feel for you and your family. I am not a stranger to unnecessary tragedy, and it always makes me sad.

Maybe try to say a 30 second prayer in head before all meal times, for not only your self, but for all people involved in your life.(Good or Bad) It can be relaxing and clear your head a little when your stress level is up so high. It helped me at one time.


Everyday is a new day, and I hope today is better than yesterday!! I will send along strength...(if thats possiable..hehe, and if not you can at least laugh at me..)

STRENGTH!!

STRENGTH!!!!

STRENGHTH!!!!!

Take care hun! Jen

[CKjinx'd]

okay! yesterday went better...no problem getting through the day and I didn't overeat or anything. I kept busy and cleaned my house! I have lots more to do at home, but it's slowlying getting under control. heck, keeps me busy, right? hehehehe. Thanks for listening to me rant! It was a tough day and it was over and yesterday was better. If i can keep thinking of them as days that will end and the new day as anew beginning, I can keep going. thanks jen!

[chutatip_t]

Can anyone help me here. I am feeling bad about myself. I think i am fully bulimic... this is the second time of the week i forced myself to throw up. I have been good until late afternoon. ( 200 calories for breakfast and 300 cal for lunch) ....But in the afternoon i could not focus and keep thinking about food...when i started to snack..i started on atkins cruncher...then i couldn't stop!!! biscuit...chocolate..cookies etc...at that time i told myself it would be the last time and i would take it all out...

But when i put my fingers down to my throat and forced myself to throw up..nth much came out...and i had bad stomach ache..

i wish i were normal like my sisters and other people in the house...

what should i do???

[Jenn78]

Dear chutatip_t,

I am glad you found us!

First of all, Try not to compare yourself to anybody else. Not your sisters, not anybody, because everyone is different , and their unique problems may not be ones you have to deal with, and who knows how private they are?

Secondly, how long of a problem has this been?

When focusing on food, it is terriable not to think about it, it is the hardest thing. It is like a drug. If at all possiable, for the next few days when it happens, maybe you could try to snatch a pen and notebook, and write down all of your feelings about what has gone on that day, and try to drink a nice cold glass of water. Then see how you feel after wards? I have often done that, and then I try to reflect on my feelings, and as to what triggered the thoughts. Just a suggestion.

I hope you find comfort here that you are not alone. Take care hon, Jen

P.S. We all have experenced your same feelings at one time or another, I am sure, at least I know I have.

[CKjinx'd]

sorry you are having a tough time. I understand those feelings, too...how come I can't be normal. I just look at each day as a new day. I try to limit my stress as best I can and occupy myself..and I eat like the atkins plan says I should. I don't restrict my caloric intake..and granted I'm a very large person, but I can usually get time in between my episodes..sometimes months.
I'm glad this thread is here because not all ppl understand what this is like...they're really judgemental because they've never been there. I'm not going to tell you that you can stop anytime you want to because i know you can't. I'm not going to lie and say everything is goign to be okay if you just will it to be. It takes work. And if I work on it everyday and forget about yesterday, it helps me get through.
Keep your chin up...work it

[CKjinx'd]

hey! I also thought of something...have you been eating enough fat? are you on induction? I went through "white knuckle" induction for these last 3 weeks and I have killed my cravings somewhat...granted i have a flare up or two, but if I can get those cravings down, usually I can make it through the day better.