Bulimia/Anorexia

[CKjinx'd]

*big hugs to bella* don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you are feeling better and not soo sick. It's kinda upsetting to realize that about that it could have been sooo long since your body needed to do it instead of forcing it to be
Been doing okay..how bout y'all? I am not getting enough excercise, though...I seem to have stalled out on energy the last few days..it's weird. I had it goin on last week
*BIG HUGS TO ALL*

[amadeus4313]

Hi Ck. Good to see you. I have slacked off on the exercise the last few days. I don't know why I do that because I feel so good with a workout to start my day. It's been really hot and humid the last couple of days. And it's raining again. ugggggghhh

Have a great day, and stay on track.

Mary/Amadeus

[CKjinx'd]

hey amadeus! been doign okay..just sleeping alot?? when I"m awake though, I manage to do all my stuff around the house but not much else...I still haven't started exercising much yet...going to start that soon. I am on a new shift now and that's probably what is getting to me. It always takes me 2 weeks to adjust and this is quite an adjustment after the day shift for almost 2 years. it's really an adjustment..thankfully I'm on this woe because it helps with feeling better...even though i'm sleeping...prolly just catching up *BIG HUGS TO ALL*

[Serenity02]

Hey everyone. I've been lurking for a few days and have been reading through everyone's posts. You all seem SO supportive and friendly so I decided to post.

I've had "issues" with food (I still don't feel that I have an eating disorder) for about two years now. It started with starving and exercising, then binging and purging. I can't say I'm ready to recover but I DO want to cease b/ping (which seems to be impossible) as I'm currently at my highest weight ever. I am also so depressed (especially in the past 6 months) and would like to deal with my depression and THEN think about recovery. I have the lowest self esteem of anyone I know and maybe if I ever become happy again, I will feel more positive about myself to stop these ED behaviors.

This past week was a big one for me as I finally told my mom that I've been throwing up. So, she made an appt for me with a psychiatrist and I will hopefully be put on an AD.

This was briefly mentioned by a few of you already, but do you see a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist, etc? If so, have they helped? I'm also intgerested in your experiences with anti depressants. I'm not looking for a 'diet pill' but anything that would help control my appetite (thus, my purging episodes) would be a dream come true. As sad as it is, I'd rather be unhappy for the rest of my life than take an AD that will make me gain (more) weight.

Um, anyway, there is so much more that I can say but I'm clearly rambling! BTW, I'm a 20 yr old college student from Michigan

[amadeus4313]

Serenity, I am so glad you decided to post. This is a VERY supportive and loving group.

Honey, if you are binging and purging, you DO have an eating disorder. I have daughters your age and I think it's a great thing that you told your mom. Part of having an eating disorder is the denial that there is anything wrong. You are young, so if you can deal with this now, you will save yourself years of misery.

It is very possible that you are depressed. So many people are diagnosed with it these days. It seems much more prevalent now than it used to, so much so that it makes me wonder if there isn't an environmental, biological cause for it.

You have taken a big step by telling your mom. On some level you know that you need the help, otherwise you wouldn't have confided in your mom and in us.

Please post often and let us know how you are doing. I am very glad that you found us!

Mary/Amadeus

Edited to add: I also live in Michigan.

[MaryMary]

I went with a friend who is suffering from Bulimia to an OA meeting that was just for anorexics and bulimics last week.

Here is some information that they handed out.

OA members at these meetings describe their bulimia experience as a physical compulsion activated by certain foods, coupled with a mental obsession for these foods. They experience a progressive & vicious cycle of bingeing and purging.

Bulimia often becomes an addiction unto itself, where the sufferer is driven to binge and purge repeatedly, often many times during a single day.

Bulimia often leads to severe nutritional and electrolyte imbalances, dental problems, esophageal damage, unhealthy skin conditions, depression and anxiety, as well as feelings of hopelessness and/or self hatred.

Bulimia can be fatal.

Forms of purging include:
--Self-induced vomiting
--Abuse of laxatives and/or diuretics
--Excessive exercise
--Periods of starvation followed by purging

One of the ways we tend to avoid looking honestly at ourselves is to make sweeping generalizations about a problem or a category of behaviors and then dismiss it as not applying to ourselves, or "I'm not that bad". Often this keeps us from looking closer at our character traits and our addiction.

Anorexia is more than losing a lot of weight, and bulimia is much more than making oneself throw up. They involve attitudes about ourselves, our bodies and the way we understand food, weight and how others see us. Consider these questions serious, openly, and honestly:

1. Do I alternate between bingeing and purging behavior?
2. Do I feel incredibly guilty after I eat -- or overeat -- and feel the need to get rid of it?
3. Do I tend to think about my weight and how to control it everyday?
4. Do I use laxatives to get rid of food? Does it take more and more to "work".
5. Do I induce vomiting in secret to get rid of food? Have I ever taken Ipecac?
6. Do I exercise to lose the weight I think I gained yesterday or the last meal?
7. Do I tend to hate my body regardless what others tell me?
8. Do I "fast" for a day, or more, in hope of getting my weight and eating 'under control'?
9. Do I honestly know I spend WAY too much time worrying about my weight and body image but can't stop the obsessing?
10. Do I have days when I just "feel fat" no matter how/what I ate or weighed recently?

These are some of the characteristics of Bulimic thinking/acting...

The cycle of this addiction leads to self hate, fear and often suicidal thoughts...Yet, people DO recover...Breaking free of the isolation, self-absorption, anger and hopeless requires honesty, risking sharing with others and trusting that we no longer have to do it alone...If you have found strength, hope and courage in your recovery, please share that with others. If you need help, ask, no one need suffer anymore from this terrible addiction...none of us deserves it...OA or other 12 step group may be the right place, right now. Recovery can start anytime.

I have some info on Anorexia and will post that under a separate one.

[1BellaDonna]

great post, marymary!!!

serenity, sorry i'm just getting around to telling you ! i'm getting ready to visit the usa and have been a bit self-absorbed. you are in my thoughts and prayers and i look forward to getting to know you and to supporting you through this. i think you'll like the gang here on the board! i'm very VERY happy that you are getting help for this now and that you could talk to your mom. sometimes parents don't understand everything we're going through but you guys are on the right track! i'm really proud of you for stepping up to the plate. you don't want to end up like some of us, having this haunt you for years and decades!!! welcome to the family... you WILL succeed!


-letty

[Serenity02]

Thanks for the welcomes

I had my (first ever) doctor appointment today to discuss my depression. I told her that I'm not ready to deal with my eating issues right now...I'd rather focus on being happy first. Then, if I feel more positive, get out more, and am just generally more happy...hopefully my eating patterns will improve. Or I'll at least be more motivated to work on them.

She is sending me to another doctor who specializes in depression/EDs/meds and he should be able to prescribe me something that will benefit me Unfortunatly, I have to wait 2 more weeks for THAT appointment

Mary: Thanks for all the info! I could answer 'yes' to every question on there, so that sort of puts things into perspective. Yet for some reason, I still don't feel right saying I have an "eating disorder."

[CKjinx'd]

Hi serenity! I see a pyschologist mainly for my depression and we even discuss my eating disorder. it took me a long long time to admit that to her.
I take Wellbutrin and it helps me ALOT! I always had trouble with prozac...i always gained on it..and when I was trying out atkins, it seemed to stall me and I craved all the time. BUt, wellbutrin has been alot better for me..i don't have those things happening and I've been on plan for 6 weeks tomorrow. I had trouble around my 3rd week with b/p but that's getting alot better...haven't had an episode in almost 2 weeks i think.
*BIG HUGS TO ALL* how are the rest of you doing?? MIss you lots...big hugs and kisses to all!!

[tybailey]

HI all.I haven't been to this site in a while and am glad I found this topic.My friends have been getting on my case for my eating habits.I am a mom of three and have always had issues with my weight.I currently would like to lose 30lbs.I will go for days at a time without eating.And when I finally do eat,I want to crawl under a rock and die.I tried the binge/purge thing but am not able to induce that on my own.I LOVE to eat but have been able to control myself lately because i'm determined to lose this excess baby fat.If anyone has some suggestions for me ,i'd be so happy.I am trying hard to take my friends' advice and eat small meals throughout the day but I feel guilty afterwards.I did atkins last year and lost 12 lbs but didnt stick to it.I'm slowly losing faith.Thanks for any suggestions and for reading my post.

[CKjinx'd]

HEY TY! hallo Welcome! Glad you found us! I hope we get more posting over here..hehehe..many days before you posted since someone stopped in to say hello. maybe we shoudl start a new thread??
HOw are you all doing? Me? eh...okay...i think. Been eating too many things lately...it was my days off and i always have trouble on those days. I am back to work and buckling down again. I haven't cheated..just had too much. no purging though...and no really bingeing, just eating higher carb??? BUT, it feels like bingeing...okay...carb binging..hahaha....
*BIG HUGS TO ALL* hang in there ty!

[raerae]

Hello ladies,

I've been off and on this site, Low carbing and low fat for a few years now. I seem to lose weight to a certain point and think that I can do it on my own...that I need no one or even my Higher power to help me.

I've been a compulsive overeater for as long as I can remember and I've been bulimic since at least 12 years old. It hurts so much to feel like "why me"... it sucks that unlike other addictions, we need food to live and for what ever reason, I've taken it to the next level.

I've been reading the posts and I can identify with most of y'all. When I'm on Atkins, I can completely avoid my trigger foods and that makes all of this so much easier. As soon as I lose about 40lbs and think I can manage eating "normally", I end up in the same binging, purging cycle...which I don't think even keeps me from gaining weight. It just seems to rid the guilt I feel when I do it. How? I have no idea!!!

I have tried to join OA in the past, but sometimes I can't get over the fact that I really am an ADDICT FOR FOOD...and I can't seem to relate to the discussion at times. I really would like and need to take control of this whole thing.

For right now, I'm back on Atkins for at least the 3rd time. I haven't had the urge to purge since starting again. Maybe because I'm not binging on all of the starches & sugar that I used to.

Anyway, I just wanted to post to say thanks for starting this thread because i need the support!

[MaryMary]

raerae - Perhaps you might want to consider GreySheeters Anonymous. It is similar to OA but everyone is on the same food plan and I found it helpful for food addiction. The reason I looked into it was I was eating the low carb food on Atkins compulsively, as in all the time and had stopped losing weight. In fact the month before I joined GSA I had gained 5 pounds. Atkins worked for me for nearly 3 years, but ultimately I had to work the steps, to deal with my fears, doubts and insecurities, and this is what I am doing now.

If you are interested in GSA, I can give you the phone number for the phone bridge meetings where you can hear a speaker, get phone numbers and call someone to check it out.

I write my food plan down on paper, I call it into my sponsor and I weigh and measure 3 meals a day, while abstaining from my trigger foods, which for me include sugars, grains, alcohol, caffeine, chocolate, coffee and aspartame. I don't eat between meals except for water and decaf tea. Abstinence is the most important thing I do today and is my miracle from God.

Best wishes on your journey, whatever that may be.

[Serenity02]

I'm sorry...I just feel like I have to vent right now. Honestly feel free to ignore this b/c I don't think anything can be said that will make me feel better or good about myself.

I go to see my psych tomorrow and I'm hoping he can prescribe me some good, strong meds to help me snap out of this "trance" that I'm in. It has been SO bad these past couple of weeks and I'm sitting here crying because I don't know what to do. Like I said, I don't want to "recover." More or less, I want to starve myself down to 100 pounds. But what have I been doing these past few days (and basically weeks, months...)? Binging with a little bit of purging thrown in. And the scariest thing is that I CAN'T stop. I tell myself that I will...but I can't.

And its so embarrassing to have your brother complain to your mom that all of his cereal is gone. And then have your mom think that you ate the entire box and puked it back up. No Mom, its worse...I ate it and didnt manage to puke it up. So now I'm bloated, puffy, sore, and fat...

I feel like the worst person in the world when I backed out at the last minute for my BEST friend's 21st birthday party thing. We were all going to go out and have fun, but when I was in teh shower, I saw how fat I was. Suddenly, going out and dancing was the last thing I wanted to do. And apperently I'm super***** because I'm supposed to go camping with my family this weekend, but I don't wnat to go anymore.

It just feels like I've been going through the motions. Like, I'm in a daze and can't snap out of it. I actually DID hang out with a friend last week and I just...couldnt get into it. I just wasnt having fun. Oh yeah, and I was supposed to call some other friends who I've ditched time and time again on Sunday, but again, I felt too fat. And they didnt call me either...so I bet they are upset...but I can't blame them.

So many times, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I literally wake up every morning dreading the day. The thought of living until I'm 70 or even 30 just seems...daunting. I'm never happy and I don't know why.

This is probably a rambled mess, but I can't finish it as I now have a pounding headache. I'm sorry if you've wasted your time actually reading this whole thing. God I just want to go to sleep.

[amadeus4313]

Serenity, your post made me cry - not only because you are in so much pain, but because I know all too well that feeling of worthlessness because of the lack control in the area of food. You are not the worst person in the world - if you are, you have a lot of company. Now that my husband and I are the only ones in the house, it's all too evident where the food is going when he doesn't eat it.

People who haven't been where we are can never understand the pain, the humiliation, the feelings of self-worth. The callous "just quit eating, why don't you" remarks, the shame, and the fear around food. They can't understand and that makes life so lonely. Even when surrounded by loved ones - the disease isolates us and destroys us.

I hope you will print your post off and take it with you tomorrow when you go to see your psychiatrist. I know you can't see it now, but there is hope. You must be absolutely honest with your doctor, though.

I know this didn't make you feel better, and that wasn't my intention, but I hope it did let you know that you are not alone. Please post back and let us know how you're doing.



Mary

[btrfly]

Can anyone tell me if you are taking meds to help w/ binging or bulimia what you are taking and if it has helped. I need to give some ideas to my DR. as alot of meds have given me real bad side effects and I'm binging and purging a lot lately I can't seem to catch myself until durring the purge. If I could talk my self down before a binge I would be fine. I'm getting scared and very anxious that I'm going to die doing this and I dont want to not like like this.

[Serenity02]

Thank you for your post, amadeus. Thanks to wonderful threads such as this one, i DO know that I'm not alone

These past couple of days have gone better eating-wise. And I am SO happy that my doctor agreed to put me on Wellbutrin. The fear of weight gain is a huge issue for me and from my own online research, it sounds like Wellbutrin is exactly what I need. Its too early to really notice anything, except for a headache. Its hard to say if my appetite is really supressed or if its just my mind thinking it is...but I don't feel like binging, I guess. I can never tell if I'm hungry anymore anyways.


btrfly:
Since I just started taking ADs, I can't really give you personal experience. Try doing your own research (as no one but you knows your personal emotions, struggles, histroy, experience, feelings, moods, etc....) to find what might work for you. I found a lot of information just by searching this board for 'antidepresssants.' Keep in mind that everyone reacts differently, but I learned a lot just by reading about different experiences and reactions.
With that said, I've noticed that Wellbutrin is very useful as an antidepressant and also as a mild appetite supressant. A lot of people (with eating disorders) have said that Wellbutrin helps them with cravings and takes the edge off a little bit. Its not a diet pill by any means, but I have heard that it helps. But (and a serious BUT...) I've also read that Wellbutrin is not reccommended for those suffering from bulimia or anorexia because of the high risk of seizures (although I find it odd that my doctor would agree to put me on it, and that I've read about so many other bulimics that are on Wellbutrin). So please, talk to your doctor about this. Definitely mention the purging to him/her. Seizures and strokes are nothing to take lightly. I'm NOT a doctor, I'm just sharing my own knowledge...in other words I could be wrong...everyone reacts differently! Take care and let us know how it goes.

[CKjinx'd]

*BIG HUGS TO ALL* hey, y'all! howzit?
hey, serenity! sorry to hear you were having such a bad time I have been dealing with depression issues this week, too....I take Wellbutrin and I ran out of meds and then had to get restarted but it was hitting me hard. I felt like running away..hehehe. I was bored out of my mind and home with all these things going through my mind...thankfully none of it had to do with food this time!! I have alot of really good things to say about Wellbutrin...I was on prozac but I always gained on it..and so i was on it off and on...and about 5 months ago i stopped taking it all together because i was afraid of not being able to lose weight when i finally got back on atkins. I am really thankful for Wellbutrin.
As far as food issues goes...been doing okay...only had fleeting thoughts about the binging...and they passed. Been eating too many legal foods, though and I will know how it is affecting me next week when I weigh in I know it won't be all that good of a loss for this past 2 weeks. *sigh* I just pick myself back up and keep pluggin away though.

[1BellaDonna]

hi, gang!

well, i'm back from my visit to the states and i'm about 5 lbs heavier and $1400 lighter. being in the states was nice but hectic (4 states in 11 days!) and i'm tired. i really wish i had taken more time off and didn't hop from place to place every 2 days. nonetheless, i had 3 mini-reunions and saw over 20 friends, people i hadn't seen in 2-16 (yes, 16!!) years!!! some drove as much as 2 1/2 hrs to come have dinner so i felt really really really honoured. as messed up as i am, God always blesses me with REALLY REALLY good friends. it amazes me. anyway, i did well on the first 5 days of the trip (even ordered a special meal on the airplane!) but then fell apart the last 6 days...bc i wanted to eat stuff that was different from what i eat every day over here. i was stupid for that! once i got a little bit off of the lc wagon, i just completely fell off...and was even dragged under the wheels for awhile! lol now i'm feeling bad about myself, as i feel and see the weight difference (not to mention i'm back up over that dang plateau number that was hard to break!). yesterday was my bday so i just enjoyed 'the last supper'; today i'm going to work hard at being good. i must admit i started my morning off with a xenadrine (the old kind WITH ephedra) to help kill my appetite. i hate this!!!! oh yeah, also i was miserable in the states bc i couldn't purge! i was at other's homes and had people around me all the time. it was such a relief to come home in a way. while i got shaky, dizzy, and sweaty from purging 'the last supper' i felt exhilarated to do it again. i know. i know. okay, i'll stop babbling now. just had to get it out.

well, to all the new folks who've joined and all of my old pals, i'm sending you big italian hugs!!!! i missed you guys!!

-letty

btw- as for the wellbutrin, i too understand it's not good for those of us with e.d.'s! i hate the stuff, personally! my doc put me on it when i was back in the states. that didn't last too long bc my blood pressure went sky high (usually its' about 118/68--very good). it got to the point that they ran an ekg on me during what was supposed to be just a regular, follow-up appointment. once i was off of it, my bp went right back to normal. thank goodness i didn't have seizures!

[1BellaDonna]

hey, gang! just wanted to see where everyone was. i hadn't received any memos that there were any new posts and i thought i was possibly missing out. anyway, i just wanted to give you all hugs and let you all know that you are loved and that you WILL make it! keep your chins up; you are stronger than you think!!!!

xoxoxo,
letty

[CKjinx'd]

hey you guys! how are you all?? all of a sudden we lost steam..hahaha. start a new thread??? maybe?? let me know! or bella, you do it! hahahaha... *BIG HUGS TO ALL*

[1BellaDonna]

ck--your wish is my command, darling!!! see the new thread titled "bulimia and anorexia support- 11 july 2004".

hugs!!!!!!!

[mommy2haylee]

I have struggled with bulimia since I was about 13-14 and I am now 28! It wasn't always bad throughout all of those years. But during a 4 year relationship when I was a teenager, it got really out of hand. I lost about 30 pounds and was the thinnest I'd ever been. Toward the end of that relationship I'd come out about my ed, as many family members and friends had suspected! My mom even confronted me once and I'd denied it. And sadly the guy I was with then (4 years) didn't even know. Talk about not paying attention to someone you were supposed to love! Tee Hee Hee! Things got better for about 4 years then I got pregnant. I had issues with the bulimia in the begining of my pregnancy but was able to keep it pretty much under control...THANKFULLY for my daughter's sake. I gained about 40-50 pounds when I was pregnant and lost all but 14 pounds without trying. I lost the additional 14 with weight watchers. Then when she turned 1 I'd gained about 10 back. So I started Atkins and had lost 6 pounds and wasn't able to loose anymore for over a year. I found it very hard to not cheat (mostly on sweets~I have the WORST sweet tooth) and so my bulimia started up again. I found that I could eat Atkins and do great, and feel great (and got rid of the ibs that my ed created) but also eat the cereal, ice cream, etc without gaining, and even losing! So I've now lost a total of 10 pounds and was really enjoying being able to eat what crap I wanted and not gain. It started off just every now and then! And I kept telling myself besides the binging & purging, I was eating so healthy. And then I started eating fast food burgers and fries and junk like that and purging it. When I first starting purging (I buy food and hide it from my daughter and husband) I told myself that the only way I would allow myself to binge & purge is if I only did it with cereal, cookies & ice cream. Because that is what I missed so much and is the easiest to purge. Then it progressed. Now I am back to doing it atleast 2 times a day. There is VERY RARELY a day that goes by that I don't binge/purge unless I have no junk food in the house or I don't have any money, then I almost starve myself (trying to eat just one small meal that day). But now the need has gotten even greater that I find I am even purging the healthy LC food, if I don't have any BAD food or I just have the need to purge. Which is just too damn expensive not to mention UNHEALTHY of course. And the saddest thing about it is that it has become a normal way of life. Done without thought or even bad feelings. This is my norm and in one way it's okay & I love it and then I also HATE it and am SCARED! It's almost weird because (it's hard to explain) for the first time with my ed, I feel that this is normal. When I was out of control before I felt like a wreck, emotional, freaked out, dramatic, shame, disgust , just sooo sad and a million other bad feelings about myself. But now, it's just my way of life. I don't feel really bad about it. I know it's wrong, but I just don't think about it. I feel shame in I wouldn't tell people or want them to catch me, but I don't feel shamful about myself to myself...if that makes any sense. I feel good and feel that this is a good balance for me. But that scares me the most because I know it's not healthy and could kill me. And the fact that I am so okay with it scares me more than anything. I don't want to feel like something that could kill me is normal and be okay with it! I want to be mad, scared and all of those other things that I was in the past because it was those feelings that helped me get through it and past it. How am I ever going to get past this if it's normal to me? And now I am starting to get anorexic tendencies as well. And I've been taking Afedra free diet pills, not excessivly but any is not good. I do exercise in a healthy manor, not in excess.

Well I'm sorry this got sooo long. It just feels good to get it off my chest again because I don't want to hear it from loved ones and such a big part of me doesn't want to quit it and I don't even think I could right now! I'd go crazy & mental without it. It's the only thing keeping me sane and a good mommy. Doesn't that sound SO BAD & DISGUSTING!!!!!! But without it, I'm a WRECK which makes me not so good of a mommy!

Thanks for listening...and I wish everyone all the strength in the world.